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And You Too, Ted Nugent

Not a day goes by that I am not asked, “Hey Richard, who would you sacrifice to slim down the bloated world population?”  This is a fantastic question, and while 100% of the people who read my column are clearly stellar human beings, it seems like 3 out of 4 other people I meet completely suck. Therefore, cutting the population down to about 25% seems about right, so let’s begin.

Certainly there are some easy eliminations right off the bat, such as serial killers, rapists, Klan members, and people who use the word “irregardless,” but that only amounts to about 10% of the population, so others are going to get some pink slips.

(90%)

            Next to go are puppy-haters, Donald Trump and his weird children, people who don’t wave after I let them in on the freeway, every Wal-Mart heir, and those who use cottage cheese instead of ricotta in lasagne.  Take off another 13%.

(77%)

            Have you recommended 50 Shades of Grey to someone? – awesome, have 50 shades of say goodbye to your loved ones.  Do you know who won the last Bachelor? Spoiler alert: you don’t get a rose. Do you put slimy fruit in the middle of perfectly good Jello? Just like those banana slices, you are suspended. Are you Donald Sterling? Time to go, psycho, and take Vladimir Putin with you.

(61%)

            Let me ask you this: have you ever said the words, “It’s okay, I can say that – one of my best friends is black”? Super, maybe your imaginary black friend can help you pack. But before you go, please inform those who put spikes in concrete to make sure that the homeless have nowhere to sleep that they won the Megadouche lottery – buh-bye, you’ve been downsized.

(48%)

            Hey, climate change deniers, religious fanatics, and people who put clothes on their pets – your train is leaving Earth, but you won’t be lonely; have a seat next to almost every politician in the world and that lady who let her child run a shopping cart right into my Achilles tendon, twice.

(39%)

            I heard two people use the word “conversate” in the last week, so they can conversate with meth dealers, domestic violence enthusiasts, and Justin Bieber on Planet Seeya.  Also, attention 5/9ths of the Supreme Court: you have just been ruled unnecessary; take your gavels and Jay Leno and get out.

(28%)

            Wow, only 3% left to clip but yet so many eligible candidates remaining – I’ll have to be more discerning.  Okay, rather than all Nascar fanatics, I will eliminate only Nascar fans who also own a confederate flag. Just kidding, they all own confederate flags – and now y’all just got the checkered flag. Jump on the bus.  But before you do, inform every cast member of every MTV reality show that their contract with society just got canceled.

(25%)

            Done! I feel so free! With only 1 out of 4 people left, imagine how short lines will be! There will be so much more room to do activities and we can finally live in peace… But wait, I already feel there are many terrible people left. I mean, we haven’t even discussed Iggy Azalea or Ben Affleck. (sigh) – Okay, back to work – let’s start with French waiters and smug columnists…

 

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